Questions for the Master

Dear Ninja master,
How do i get those cool ninja clothes? I really need them to look cool for the ladies eh? And i mean everyone knows that ninjas are cool cause of theyre black clothes.

Jim the shadowking

Jim, The best way is to apprentice with a ninja clan for many years, finally earning the proper garb of the ninja. Only a true ninja should don the sacred cloth. Also, never underestimate the coolness of proper spelling and grammar.

Dear wise Ninja master,
Me and my little brother have made a bet, whos more gay, Mario or Luigi? I say Mario cause Luigi can jump high, but what is it that you think? Oh, and another thing, is a Jedi like a ninja?

Dr. Drew (at whom isnt a real doctor, but it sounds cool enuf)

Luigi is definitely tougher than Mario, however neither is gay. Secondly, Jedis are not like ninjas. Ninjas dont have magical powers or little green men to help them, they just use their own stealth and cunning... and a few throwing stars.

Dear master,
What would happen if everyone in the world went outside and yelled at the same time?

Most likely no one would notice since they were yelling themselves at the time it occurred. Perhaps some woodland creatures would be startled.

oh great master if a chicken had lips could it whistle? can vegaterians eat animal crackers? if your butt crack was horizontal instead of vertival when u went down a slide would it go wplfplpgbibhhvhoh? how much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? do u carry that stick everywhere? the grass may be greener on the other side but you still have to mow it . pepsi one only one calorie now i'm gonna go play with my life sized barbie doll with 4 action holes

Yes, provided training; yes; yes, but only when naked; 14 cords; no, it's a sword; and the rest aren't questions. Taking out the eye doesn't count.

Ninja Master,
Two questions for you. What do you suggest for followers of the ninja ways and the ways of the shadow in them matter of new technology. To use or not to use? I would think not to use, but I came to you for assurance. Sencondly, O wise one, what is the greatest ninja game of all time and space?

Unsure One

Your question divides the ninja community. On one hand, the traditional ninja can never be replaced or equaled in stealth and cunning, however there is something to be said for robo-ninjas with laser nunchucks.
As for the greatest ninja game of all time and space, the space man game is the greatest game of all time and space and therefore is also the greatest ninja game of all time and space.

if your roommate from ninja school spilled bug spray all over your xbox and
controllers, causing the buttons stick, what would you do?
Aggravated in Lakewood

Dear Aggravated:
Disposing of a body is a very difficult endeavor. A human corpse is quite heavy and awkward to carry, considering it's all "dead" weight. If the body is to be transported efficiently, it must be chopped into very small pieces. The first thing to do is to put down some trash bags or butcher paper before the murder even takes place; things will get pretty messy and you want to be prepared. The sawing will get very tough, especially when cutting through the femur, pelvis, and tibia, so make sure you have a decent hacksaw on hand. Wear a lab coat or jumpsuit, and make absolute certain you have at least 3 pairs of disposable latex gloves. You need the extra pairs in case the pair you're using rips. Blood-bourne pathogens are a very real threat, and not to be taken lightly. Once everything is in place, you can begin sawing. It's hard going, but if you work at it, you'll have that body chopped up and ready to go in no time. You'll need at least three pieces of luggage to carry the body. Take them out to your car and put them in the trunk. Before driving out to the desert, go back into your room and clean up. You're probably in a hurry to get going, but you don't want that mess waiting for you when you get home. Take the 605 North, to the 10 East. From there you can get on the 15 North. This will take you towards Las Vegas. Don't bother going all the way into Nevada; if you take a cross road out into the desert somewhere, you can bury your roommate right in California and nobody will be the wiser. Dig deep; five feet is probably enough to ensure the body won't be discovered. Come home, and pay off your friends to give you an alibi. Good luck; with the proper planning and a little luck, disposing of a body can be a fun and rewarding experience.

Dear Master,
In both Tenchu games for the Playstation, Rikimaru (the male ninja) kicks much more ass than the other slut female ninja.  Do women just make poor ninjas?

My son, there are two answers to this question. The first answer is yes. The second answer is yes and no, but mostly yes. You see, as the excellent Tenchu games clearly illustrate, women are useless in combat. Weak of mind and body, they have no place on the battlefield. Rikimaru exemplifies all that a ninja should be: quick, cunning, a true master of the shadows. His technique impeccable, his honorable blade has tasted the blood of thousands. Ayame, on the other hand, is useless and weak. She has no place fighting alongside Rikimaru, just as she has no place being called a true ninja.

At the same time, though, women may still be very valuable in service of the clan. While they will never equal a male ninja in combat, women are naturally skilled in the arts of treachery and deception. A female ninja may win a daimyo's heart; then turn around and rip it from his chest the moment his guard is lowered. They are beguiling, cunning creatures whose powers of manipulation may bring an empire to its knees. A female ninja is a powerful weapon indeed; albeit a dangerous one. A smart ninja will never trust a woman.

Ninja Master,
There are many wise men in the world. Of these men, only one can be the wisest. Since Confucius is both more famous and published than you, he is considered by many to be wiser than all men, even you! Do you believe that you are wiser than he? If so, than why are you not more famous and published? If not, does his ability to out-wise you make you his bitch in the wise men pecking order?

Foolish grasshopper, does not the stubborn crow sing louder than the elegant crane? Is the cool breeze not more soothing than the vengeful typhoon? Does the silent ninja not outwit the boastful samurai? Fame is no more a measure of wisdom than fortune is a measure of honesty. A truly wise man does not claim to be so... I may only speak of the path, you must find it yourself. But if you continue to hold such things as truth, I fear that you are already lost.

Ninja Master,
Is it possible to make cheese out of human breast milk?

All cheeses are made slightly differently, however they all follow the same general guidelines. Initially, the milk is heated to approximately 72ºC in order to eradicate dangerous bacteria. The milk is then cooled and lactic acid bacteria is added in order to initiate the souring process. This can both help the milk coagulate and improve the taste, quality, and consistency of the cheese. Some cheeses rely solely on the lactic acid bacteria in order to form, others rely on rennet. Rennet conains the enzyme chymosin. It is frequently extracted from newborn calves with intent for using it in cheese production. Adult cows do not carry this enzyme. It is extracted by washing and drying the stomach lining of the abomasum, or fourth stomach, then cutting it into small pieces. This rennet also acts as a coagulator, seperating the curds from the whey in the process known as curdling. One part rennin will generally coagulate 10,000 to 15,000 parts milk. From this point on, cheeses take on their different characteristics based upon what is added to the mixture, how it is tended, and how long it undergoes each process. So while it is theoretically possible to make cheese out of human breast milk, no one has due to the fact that it's just plain sick.

what's the coolest way to kill someone?


Asphyxiation with the use of human breast milk cheese or a human breast milk cheese-like product.

Hey ninja guy,
What is the easiest way for me to kill you?

Mr. Spackle


Ninja master,
I ask you ninja master, why you must hide and be sneaky? Is there no honour in your heart? The path to honour is not laid within sneakery and hidden truths, it is through diligent, hard work, and facing your enemies or opponents in a straightforward manner. It is with this I ask my true question: Why are samurai much more cooler than the lowly ninja? Is it because they are more revered by the peasants? Or is it their cool pants? I must know.

Samurai In Training

Perhaps the real question you should be asking is: "What was in that tea I just drank?"
You have one minute to live, Gaijin.

Oh holy master, A few months ago i cut my hand open and almost cu thte has stopped hurting now but has left a hideous scar...what will i do now? and hideous can't be good for sex
Jeff Johnson

A scar is to be worn into battle like a badge of courage and ferocity. It is a symbol of experience, strength, and fortitude. Not to mention scars can further your ninja career. Sub Zero, for instance, has made a fortune hiding his scar behind a mask. Unfortunately, wearing one glove won't go over too well with the ladies.

Dear Mr.Ninja,
It has recently come to my attention that I'm not as young as I used to be...and I should probably begin my quest for a ninja husband. (In a proper and honorable fashion of course.) How do I get Mike's brother to call me?
P.S. If for some reason you cant get the big Landis, Casey or Mike will do.

Three tasks must be fulfilled. First, you must swim one hundred miles to the Gulf of the Ancients and catch one hundred fish and, from each, collect one hundred scales.. Second, you must journey to the Desert of the Suns and defeat one hundred savages who wield one hundred clubs and ride one hundred horses. Finally, you must answer one hundred questions in one hundred seconds as one hundred audience members cheer you on as you compete in "Marry That Landis!"

Dearest Master,
Wouldn't Superman crush his penis if he were to give himself a little self-pleasure???
Pondering in Seattle

No. Superman is the Man of Steel. Everywhere.

#1: Was Frederic Remington an artist or an illustrator?
#2: What would have happened had he lived longer?


While many have considered his works to be nothing more than mere illustrations, others have argued that he could, in fact, be considered a great American artist. His contribution to the late 1800's was irreplaceable. Works such as his painting of "The Charge of The Rough Riders at San Juan Hill" expressed his traditional style of art, a rarity during the impressionistic revolution.

The morale inspiring masterpieces such as "The Gathering of the Trappers", "The Buffalo Runners", and "The Argument with the Town Marshal" may have stirred the spirit of freedom within the Old West, giving hope to a young, growing nation. This might have had lingering effects on the American psyche, possibly turning the tide in the Vietnam War.

Dear Master,

I was children really taste like chicken? And if so do old people taste more like extra crispy or original recipe?

Yours truly,
Hungry Hannibal

The problem lies not in the question but in the soul. A confused soul is a hungry soul. A hungry soul requires fine, affordable, and delivered cuisine found only at Ninja Burger!

I'm one of those girls guys like. I've gotten into relationships where I've been controlled and abused. my personality leads me to these problems. I'm happy and nice. I'm funny and can be outgoing, but I need time to myself. I like to talk and listen for hours. I'm easy going and up for anything. I only pick fights over the big things and don't try to sweat the small stuff. and money never impresses me. so then I meet these guys who seem great from the outside. then they turn into jerks. when I meet the nice guys, you'd think I'd be happy. wrong. I get scared. I run away from them emotionally after awhile. what's my problem? I'm afraid of happiness and don't like being treated like dirt? but then I keep dating the jerks. I guess a lot of girls would say that they end up attracting the jerks. some have suggested I take a break from dating. how's that going to help? how long is a break? I've taken breaks. now I'm on one of those extended ones and I hate it. I enjoy dating and being in relationship. so am I destined to be forever running away from my prince charming and into the arms of the ghoulish fiend? and then run from him, screaming into the arms of my prince charming again? are the only one left whom I can turn to for guidance. I beseech you to search your vast understandings in order to help me in any trite way possible. thank you.

tired of running

Young one, do not burden the Master with your emotional trifles. Your role is only to suckle a ninja's children.

Dearest Master,
If i were masturbating faster than the speed of light, would it be possible to be done before i even began???
Confused in Minneapolis

First, nothing can go faster than the speed of light. Second, the answer lies in who is watching you. To yourself, masturbating would become a slower and slower process as you increase in speed. As you near the speed of light, time will pass in infinitesimally small increments, allowing you to masturbate throughout the halls of time. You would witness loved ones die, empires rise and fall, the very earth freeze over as the sun grows dark over billions of years, all within the blink of an eye. And you would never climax.

Oh Great One,
I have a bet with a friend... If Batman, Spiderman, and Superman got into a fight, who would win?

Batman, for he is most like a ninja. Wise in the ways of the shadows, skilled in the ways of combat, and besides, he's the only hero of the three that doesn't wear a "periwinkle" and "vermilion" suit.

how can I become a ninja master?
jonathan lawlor

One thing is certain: One does not become a ninja master through such ignorant questions.

O wisest master...I have always wondered what the white stuff in bird poop is. Please help me in my search for truth.

The Wanderer

Bird droppings are made up of three parts; feces, urine, and urates. Feces are normally black or dark green, urine is the clear liquid, and finally, the urates make up the creamy white waste material. These urates are the toxins the bird filters out during its blood purification. But be wary, pigeon feces can contain e. coli., and a sick ninja is a dead ninja.